


The dread balloon

by pauraque



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Audience Participation, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-29
Updated: 2004-12-08
Packaged: 2017-10-28 18:45:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/311011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pauraque/pseuds/pauraque
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Harry Potter fandom's least favorite characters (circa 2004) are voted off a hot-air balloon ride one by one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is not so much a piece of fanfiction as a record of a collaborative fandom game. The idea came from Slowfox, who had previously run a game where (as I recall) the characters from Winnie the Pooh were voted off a balloon ride. Chresimos and I worked out a version for Harry Potter fandom, to see who among the less popular characters our fellow fans would be most reluctant to send to their doom. Of course, who is "less popular" is a subjective thing, and the characters we chose obviously reflect the fannish culture that existed at that time and among the fans we knew.
> 
> I hosted the voting on my LJ and wrote the narration explaining how each character exited the balloon after being voted off. Anyone was welcome to vote, and there was only a little bit of ballot-stuffing, which I don't think affected the outcome. (It wasn't maliciously intended; Slowfox's game had allowed ballot-stuffing with sockpuppet journals, so there was some real potential for confusion.)
> 
> This was really fun to host and write, and one of my fondest memories from the glory days of HP fandom on LJ. Love goes out to everyone who played. <3

Late in the summer of 1996, the Second War had reached a stalemate. Albus Dumbledore, in an uncharacteristically diplomatic move, proposed a summit where peace talks could begin. He invited Lord Voldemort, naturally, who agreed to attend, provided he could bring along his trusty henchpeople Peter Pettigrew and Bellatrix Lestrange.

Minister Cornelius Fudge also agreed to participate, bringing along his right-hand woman Dolores Umbridge, and his loyal assistant Percy Weasley.

Given that Muggles were at the crux of the conflict, Dumbledore thought they should have a voice in the peace process as well. So, with a flick of his wand, he summoned one of the Muggliest Muggles ever known: Vernon Dursley. Mr Dursley was terribly surprised to be honoured with this invitation, but at length he was subdued.

'How remarkable,' said Dumbledore. 'It seems that some of the **most powerfully disliked people in our world** are here. I must say, I do feel the odd man out!' He chuckled merrily. There was an uncomfortable silence. 'Well, now that we are here,' Dumbledore went on, 'may I propose a hot-air balloon ride so that we may converse in a more relaxed atmosphere? No wands, of course.'

The others were a bit reluctant at first, but not wanting to derail the peace process before it had begun, they agreed.

But almost as soon as they had embarked, something dreadful happened. A sudden storm blew the balloon off-course, far out over the sea. And even worse, they appeared to be losing altitude. At this rate, they would never make it back to land before they plunged into the icy water. They quickly threw their picnic lunch overboard, but it did no good — they would have to drop more weight.

'Dear me, this is a most difficult state of affairs,' said Dumbledore, gazing around at his unlikely companions, who were beginning to look very nervous indeed. 'Which of us shall be sacrificed to save the rest?'

 _The votes:_

Albus Dumbledore  
38 (16.1%)  
Lord Voldemort  
22 (9.3%)  
Peter Pettigrew  
13 (5.5%)  
Bellatrix Lestrange  
7 (3.0%)  
Cornelius Fudge  
19 (8.1%)  
Dolores Umbridge  
73 (30.9%)  
Percy Weasley  
11 (4.7%)  
Vernon Dursley  
53 (22.5%)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Round I: ~~Dolores Umbridge~~

'Perhaps we should draw straws,' suggested Percy Weasley hesitantly.

'Don't be ridiculous. Surely someone _heavy_ should be the one to go,' said Mrs Lestrange, still emaciated from her time in Azkaban. She glanced meaningfully at Mr Pettigrew, a rival for her Lord's favour.

A look of panic flashed across Pettigrew's face, and in a moment he was gone, replaced by a ragged grey rat who darted across the floor of the basket to cower under the hem of Lord Voldemort's robes.

Dumbledore peered over the side, gauging their position. 'A wise thought, Peter,' he remarked, 'but I fear we are still losing altitude.'

Mrs Lestrange looked disappointed, but turned her gaze disdainfully to Mr Dursley. 'The Muggle, then, he's a _portly fellow_ —'

'I should have known!' bellowed Mr Dursley, going red in the face. 'This has all been a homicidal plot, right from the start! What about _her_?' He pointed accusatorily at Ms Umbridge. 'She must weigh more than me by a stone, at least!'

'Poor creature,' said Umbridge demurely (though she had gone rather flushed herself). 'Losing his eyesight... perhaps it _would_ be best to put him out of his misery.'

'He is only a Muggle, after all,' Lord Voldemort agreed, looking amused.

'I like that!' said Fudge. 'This is meant to be a peace negotiation! How would it look if we came back having drowned the only Muggle aboard?'

'Enough talk!' said Mrs Lestrange, grabbing Umbridge (who was closest to her) by the arm. 'Out you go!'

'Fine by me,' said Mr Dursley firmly, and seized Umbridge as well.

'Cornelius, do something!' Umbridge shrieked as the two of them began to push her over the side.

'I— I'll make sure you receive a posthumous Order of Merlin for your bravery, my dear,' said Fudge, wringing his hands.

No one else seemed particularly eager to rescue her — though Percy Weasley did look a bit concerned — and over she went, screaming all the way down, ending in an impressive _ker-splash_.

There was a pregnant pause as the remaining seven waited for the balloon to begin gaining altitude again. Dumbledore checked their position, and slowly shook his head. 'Alas,' he said. 'It would appear that we still need to jettison more ballast.'

 _The votes:_

Albus Dumbledore  
20 (13.4%)  
Lord Voldemort  
9 (6.0%)  
Peter Pettigrew  
3 (2.0%)  
Bellatrix Lestrange  
11 (7.4%)  
Cornelius Fudge  
39 (26.2%)  
Percy Weasley  
5 (3.4%)  
Vernon Dursley  
62 (41.6%)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Round I: ~~Dolores Umbridge~~  
>  Round II: ~~Vernon Dursley~~

'This time there shouldn't be any question,' said Mrs Lestrange, turning to Mr Dursley with a venomous smile.

'What? No! What about what _that one_ said?' Mr Dursley cried, pointing at Fudge. 'You can't kill me, I'm a— a Muck— Muggy— whatsit!'

'Well, if _that one_ is willing to sacrifice _himself_ to save you,' said Lord Voldemort pointedly, 'there shouldn't be any need.'

Fudge's eyes went wide. 'I— Well— I hardly think that's what I—' he spluttered.

'Very well!' crowed Mrs Lestrange. 'Then you agree, the Muggle goes!'

'Now see here, you loony harridan—!' bellowed Mr Dursley.

'My honourable friends—!' began Dumbledore.

'Hang on just a minute—!' said Percy Weasley.

'SQUEAK—!' said Wormtail from somewhere underfoot.

A scuffle ensued, rocking the balloon basket wildly back and forth in what could not possibly have been a safe manner. In the end, Mrs Lestrange and Lord Voldemort together managed to heave Mr Dursley up onto the lip of the basket.

'Never should have let her take in _THAT DAMNABLE BOY!_ ' he roared as he finally went over, and was gone.

'This is utter madness,' said Fudge furiously, white-faced. 'Can you imagine how this will look in the _papers_?'

'I fear there is a more immediate concern,' said Dumbledore soberly. 'Despite the loss of Mr Dursley's not inconsiderable mass, our balloon is still falling.'

 _The votes:_

Albus Dumbledore  
19 (11.9%)  
Lord Voldemort  
12 (7.5%)  
Peter Pettigrew  
13 (8.1%)  
Bellatrix Lestrange  
16 (10.0%)  
Cornelius Fudge  
92 (57.5%)  
Percy Weasley  
8 (5.0%)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Round I: ~~Dolores Umbridge~~  
>  Round II: ~~Vernon Dursley~~  
>  Round III: ~~Cornelius Fudge~~

There was a pause. Wormtail clawed his way up Lord Voldemort's stylish black robes to sit upon his shoulder, assessing who remained.

'Now look here, Dumbledore,' said Fudge in a harsh whisper. 'Diplomacy is all very well in its place, but this has gone too far!'

'I have to agree, Headmaster,' whispered Percy Weasley at Dumbledore's other side. 'We can't just keep letting them...' He trailed off, looking nervously at the two Dark Wizards and one Dark Rodent who faced them.

'We have our chance to destroy this menace once and for all!' said Fudge urgently. 'Right here, right now!'

Mrs Lestrange stepped forward, eyes flashing dangerously, long black hair blowing dramatically in the sea breeze.

'You _dare_ to challenge the Dark Lord?' she intoned.

'Well, why the blazes not? We're all going to die on this godforsaken balloon in any case, so what difference could it possibly make?' was what Minister Fudge fully intended to say, but what actually came out of his mouth was 'Eep,' at which point Mrs Lestrange threw herself upon him with a terrible cry, and, after a brief struggle, shoved him unceremoniously out of the basket.

'Oh dear,' said Dumbledore, not appearing particularly perturbed.

'Bella,' said Lord Voldemort in mock reproof. 'I simply can't take you anywhere.'

She returned to his side. 'But... you won't hate me just because I'm a wee bit bloodthirsty, will you?' she purred, taking hold of his sleeve.

'Never, my pet,' said Lord Voldemort, stroking her hair with a scaly white hand.

Wormtail, still perched on the Dark Lord's shoulder, looked from one to the other, gave a little sneeze of disgust, and scampered down.

Percy Weasley stared down in horror at the lime-green bowler hat bobbing on the surface of the turbulent water. 'You've assassinated the Minister of Magic!' he gasped.

'And what is worse,' said Dumbledore, 'it appears to have been for naught. We are still losing altitude.'

 _The votes:_

Albus Dumbledore  
32 (21.5%)  
Lord Voldemort  
14 (9.4%)  
Peter Pettigrew  
32 (21.5%)  
Bellatrix Lestrange  
54 (36.2%)  
Percy Weasley  
17 (11.4%)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Round I: ~~Dolores Umbridge~~  
>  Round II: ~~Vernon Dursley~~  
>  Round III: ~~Cornelius Fudge~~  
>  Round IV: ~~Bellatrix Lestrange~~

'Excellent,' hissed Mrs Lestrange, turning slowly to Dumbledore. 'Talking of _destroying the menace_...'

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. 'My dear lady, surely you are not suggesting...'

'No,' interrupted Lord Voldemort, placing a restraining hand on Mrs Lestrange's shoulder. 'There is no need. I may not be quite as ancient as our... distinguished host... but I am getting on in years, and have grown weary of war. When I agreed to this congress, I did not come in hopes of destroying my enemies, but of truly reconciling with them... Ah, yes, it would take all evening for me to tell you of how I arrived at this change of heart... how I wrestled with my conscience... how I...'

The others shifted uncomfortably, clearing their throats.

'...but, in any case,' said Lord Voldemort, frowning slightly, 'I feel that it is now time for _my_ contingent to sacrifice one of our own.'

'Pardon?' choked Mrs Lestrange.

'Squeak?' squeaked Wormtail from the floor of the basket, clapping his front paws to his mouth in horror.

'Fear not, my loyal servants,' Lord Voldemort continued, spreading his arms theatrically. 'You know well that with the Dark Lord, all things are possible. Though one of you shall be hurled from this balloon, it is true, _I_ will protect you from death in the icy waters below.'

'If you could do that,' said Percy Weasley sceptically, 'why didn't you just do it in the first place?'

'Ah, yes,' said Lord Voldemort, 'I could tell you why it was not possible to spare the others... it is a _long_ tale, one of—'

'Never mind,' said Percy.

'Very well,' said Lord Voldemort, frowning again. 'Naturally, a protective bond of this kind requires unflinching loyalty to me... enduring faith in my infinite power... utter fearlessness...!'

Wormtail breathed a wheezy little sigh of relief.

'Bellatrix!' declaimed Lord Voldemort. 'I hereby confer upon you protection from the cruel hands of aquatic death! Leap, now, from the basket-top, and live to tell what gifts your unwavering fealty has bestowed!'

Bellatrix leapt.

Percy and Wormtail both hastened to peer over the lip of the basket where she had fallen. Dumbledore merely looked at Lord Voldemort, his eyes glinting as though with the hint of a smile.

If Mrs Lestrange had been gifted with protection from a watery grave, there was no sign.

Lord Voldemort shrugged. 'To tell truth, she was beginning to grate on my nerves. Are we still falling?'

'I am afraid so,' said Dumbledore.

_The votes:_

Albus Dumbledore  
59 (32.6%)  
Lord Voldemort  
28 (15.5%)  
Peter Pettigrew  
57 (31.5%)  
Percy Weasley  
37 (20.4%)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Round I: ~~Dolores Umbridge~~  
>  Round II: ~~Vernon Dursley~~  
>  Round III: ~~Cornelius Fudge~~  
>  Round IV: ~~Bellatrix Lestrange~~  
>  Round V: ~~Albus Dumbledore~~

'Can't we draw straws this time?' Percy pleaded. 'Or at least _vote_?'

'An excellent idea,' said Lord Voldemort. 'I cast my vote for our... gracious host. I am certain Wormtail does as well.' He glanced down, and the rat nodded anxiously.

'In that case,' Dumbledore replied, 'I find myself forced to vote against you. And _I_ am certain that young Weasley will agree, leaving us deadlocked.'

The other three looked at Percy, who was appearing ever more stressed and uncertain. 'Er...'

'Do not speak for this boy,' said Lord Voldemort, stepping towards him. 'Consider, my young friend... _think_. Who was it who gathered his enemies to him under the pretence of peace? Who proposed this ill-fated voyage? Who has been yammering on about losing altitude? Whose idea was it to start flinging people overboard one by one? As I once said many years ago to your former pet, here...' He picked up Wormtail and scratched him between the ears with one long finger. The rat shivered under the touch, though in pleasure or fear, it was impossible to say. '...the Headmaster may not be _"Dark"_... but he is certainly _dangerous_.'

Percy looked helplessly at Dumbledore. 'Is— is that true?'

'Of course it isn't,' said the old man seriously. 'What cause have I ever given you to doubt me?'

Percy gazed uncomfortably from one side to the other. Wormtail — Scabbers — peered at him with beady eyes wide, perched on Lord Voldemort's palm.

'I— I'm sorry, Headmaster,' he finally said, miserably.

Lord Voldemort smiled. 'I knew you would see it my way. An equitable vote, Albus, and you have lost.'

'Very well,' Dumbledore said quietly. 'I have often wished, Tom, that I had your knack for swaying the loyalties of young men.' He climbed to the lip of the basket, and turned to Percy. 'I hope you will be able to live with your decision.'

'I think I will, Headmaster,' Percy said.

And Dumbledore stepped lightly over the edge, as though fear of death had never crossed his mind.

'Well,' said Percy after a time, sounding a bit hoarse. 'Now what?'

Lord Voldemort gazed over the side. 'Hm. I'd have thought losing those heavy velvet robes of his would have done the trick.'

'You mean we're _still_ falling?' Percy choked.

'So it would seem,' said Lord Voldemort with a wry smile.

 _The votes:_

Lord Voldemort  
112 (50.0%)  
Peter Pettigrew  
76 (33.9%)  
Percy Weasley  
36 (16.1%)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Round I: ~~Dolores Umbridge~~  
>  Round II: ~~Vernon Dursley~~  
>  Round III: ~~Cornelius Fudge~~  
>  Round IV: ~~Bellatrix Lestrange~~  
>  Round V: ~~Albus Dumbledore~~  
>  Round VI: ~~Lord Voldemort~~

'Well... this should be very easy,' Lord Voldemort continued, still smiling as he advanced on Percy. 'A Ministry paper-pusher, pitted against the most powerful wizard in existence. I may not have my wand, but we are still two against one.'

Percy went white with horror. 'But— I— I helped you! I thought I was doing the right thing!'

Lord Voldemort chuckled, rolling his red eyes. 'Yes,' he hissed, 'they _always_ do...'

Percy backed away as the Dark wizard advanced on him, until he bumped into the basket wall and could go no further. He put up his arm on instinct to shield himself, unable to look— waiting to be seized and thrown overboard like the others... waiting...

'ARGH! Wormtail, what are you doing!?'

Percy's eyes flew open— the fat little man had reappeared behind his master, and had him by the neck with his vicious-looking silver hand. Lord Voldemort grasped at his throat, struggling for Pettigrew to release him. 'Let go of me, you—!' His words were cut off with a choke as Pettigrew tightened his grip and began to pull the Dark wizard to the edge of the basket.

'Fool!' said Voldemort in a strangled cry. 'Do you believe _drowning_ can defeat me? If you live, you will regret this betrayal!'

Pettigrew didn't answer, but with a massive effort — sweating and huffing for breath — hauled Voldemort over the side, and let him fall. There was a terrible, keening screech — then a splash — then silence.

Percy stared at Pettigrew, who stood before him with a sort of terrified delight on his face. They were both breathless. 'Why?' Percy gasped, once he could manage to speak.

Pettigrew coughed as he began to speak — his voice had been out of use the entire day. 'Y-you were my master longer than he was... Ten years... and you were always kind to me. Always protected me. Look at you now... all grown up.'

The man edged towards Percy and reached out a gnarled hand to touch his face. Percy flinched reflexively — Pettigrew looked disappointed, but stepped back.

'Now what do we do?' Percy asked, turning to look down at the water, so much closer than when the sacrifices had begun. The air prickled, and Pettigrew became Wormtail once more. The rat clambered up the wall to check the effect.

'It's no good,' Percy said. 'We're still sinking. I think... one of us will have to jump.'

 _The votes:_

Peter Pettigrew  
141 (71.2%)  
Percy Weasley  
57 (28.8%)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the sea past losers float  
> While fans of rats and Head Boys gloat.  
> The first to be autotomized  
> Was Umbridge, to no great surprise.  
> Vernon next, Fudge after him,  
> Then Bella's turn to sink or swim.  
> Albus had some tricksy friends,  
> But he was booted in the end.  
> Lord Voldemort was slippery, but  
> He, too, failed to make the cut.  
> Whoever triumphs, our balloon  
> Will float into the sunset soon,  
> So cast your ballot just once more;  
> Be it rat or prat you're rooting for,  
> Campaigners all, be sure to note  
> The golden rule: ONE FAN, ONE VOTE!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Round I: ~~Dolores Umbridge~~  
>  Round II: ~~Vernon Dursley~~  
>  Round III: ~~Cornelius Fudge~~  
>  Round IV: ~~Bellatrix Lestrange~~  
>  Round V: ~~Albus Dumbledore~~  
>  Round VI: ~~Lord Voldemort~~  
>  Round VII: ~~Peter Pettigrew~~

And so there were two.

The sun had fallen to dusk on the horizon before them. The clouds were a brilliant red, which might have been lovely if the situation were not so dire. Percy was sure he could see land ahead, but at the rate they were falling, they would never make it. Wormtail was crouched on the basket wall, whiskers twitching.

There was only one thing to do.

'Sca— I mean— Peter. Come back a minute.'

The rat hesitated, but jumped to the floor, and out of the shadows again came the fat little man who had saved Percy's life.

'It's... ironic, you know,' said Pettigrew anxiously, casting a mournful gaze out at the sea. 'First time I ever got left out of anything... for not being heavy _enough_.'

Percy didn't know how to answer that. Instead, he pulled a straw from the wicker of the basket-side, and broke it into two pieces, one long, one short. He put his hand behind his back for a moment, and then offered the straws to Pettigrew in his fist.

'It's the only fair way,' he said.

Pettigrew hesitated for what seemed like a minute or more. Then, at last, he closed his eyes and pulled a straw.

The short straw.

Pettigrew swallowed hard, but whatever misgivings he might have had, he seemed to have already resolved them in his mind. With a final, watery-eyed glance at his old master, he transformed, clawed up the wall, and jumped into the sea.

What happened then seemed quite improbable — perhaps the most improbable thing to happen in a day full of notable improbabilities.

The balloon began to rise.

Percy had a long, quiet evening alone to consider how he would explain himself when he returned to land.

Fin.

 

 _I hope you all had fun; I certainly did! Now, I've got one last post-game poll for you all. (Check all that apply.)_

 _On what did you base your votes?_

Weight  
1 (0.9%)  
Pre-existing likes and dislikes  
35 (30.4%)  
Likes and dislikes based on the way the characters behaved within the game  
3 (2.6%)  
Which character I thought most likely to sacrifice himself/be sacrificed  
1 (0.9%)  
What scenario I most wanted to read in the next round  
6 (5.2%)  
Other (elaborate in comments)  
3 (2.6%)


End file.
